Love Is A Cycle
by WritingLoser
Summary: Kaoru feels like he is slowly slipping away from his brother and the world itself. Hikaru seems so happy on how everything is in the world. Only if he knew that he twin was slowly falling. Will Kaoru manage to hold onto the world or will he slip? Will anyone save him or will they just leave him for dead? How will the Host Club function with one losing spirit? *TRIGGER WARNING*
1. Chapter 1

Numb. That's all he felt.

Kaoru sat on the cold white tiled floor, he stared into nothing. His hands laid beside him not moving an inch. His heart kept a steady pace; every time it would beat it felt like someone was trying to rip it out. Lost in the train of thought he was oblivious to everything around him. Including the coldness from the cracked window in the restroom that was seeping inside.

His eyes drifted to the mirror where he saw his reflection, he studied himself and knew that his facial features weren't unique. He had an identical twin brother, so in a way he was staring at him. His heart tugged and he knew. He knew that he was losing him to a girl. Its not like he didn't see this coming, you could say that he expected his twin to at least talk about something other than her.

It was getting annoying have his twin; Hikaru speak of someone in a loving manner. Not like it bothered him speaking of someone else, it only made Kaoru feel uncomfortable. Which was probably due to the fact that all their lives that it was only them. Only them in their own world and someone had **finally** crossed the border. It made him feel uneasy knowing that their world had expanded. He accepted that it was no longer _just_ them anymore.

Still, it's a painful process knowing that slowly and surely someone you love dearly was getting close to someone else. He saw it coming, he _knew_ it was coming he just didn't want it to happen quite yet. He wasn't ready to give up his elder brother to Haruhi; the girl who came into their small world and could easily destroy it.

It annoyed him though, that his Hikaru had to fall for someone who wouldn't know a romantic gesture if it slapped her across the face. Only love that she knew was family and friends. Truthfully speaking, he loved her too just not in _that _way. Like Tamaki a friend of theirs; he pictured everyone like a big family. Tamaki as the father, Kyoya as the mother, Mori, Honey, Hikaru and Kaoru as the sons and Haruhi as the only daughter. He never wanted it to end but with each passing day they get closer to the end.

His train of thought broke when a gust of wind hit him in the back of the neck. It was gentle; it send chills down his back. He didn't appreciate the sudden cold front, especially for it to hit his body all at once. He shivered and stood up. It was his fault really, he chose to come to the restroom the reason was long forgotten.

He attempted to push the window down but to no avail. He let out a heavy sigh. The window never closed no matter how hard anyone tried. Yeah someone could come and fix it but it gave Kaoru a strange comfort that it never closed. Probably because it reminded him that he could just climb out of it and just run. That jumping through a window could change his life. Maybe that's why he came to the restroom.

He walked to the door and slowly turned the knob, he pulled it back seeing through a crack he could see his older brother sleeping peacefully. He crept out if the restroom silently, he turned his head so he could close it silently. When he heard a soft click he gave out a relief sigh.

"Kaoru?" a tired voice questioned breaking the silence in the night.

Kaoru jumped and felt electricity travel his spine when he heard his name being called. He slowly turned around seeing Hikaru rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"Is that you?" Hikaru yawned.

"UUUhhh...no...?" Kaoru answered hopeful that he wouldn't question. There was a long silence as if he was trying to let the words settle in.

"...Oh...okay..." the older twin muttered and laid back on his bed falling back into his slumber. Kaoru stared at his brother unimpressed how he could be easily convinced.

Deciding that it was indeed late and he should get some sleep he crept to his shared bed with Hikaru and slipped in. His back turned away from Hikaru, with a final sigh he closed his eyes and slowly started to slip into a dreamless sleep.

_**Next morning**_

Kaoru woke up with a yawn, he stretched in bed before swinging his legs on the side of the bed and jumped off.

"Good morning Kaoru!" A cheery voice said.

The younger twin shrieked in fright and whipped his head around to see his brother ready to go to school before him which was a surprise.

"Sorry I didn't wake you up," he apologized, "but you looked so cute while you slept I couldn't wake you!" he answered sheepishly with an embarrassed blush dusting his cheeks.

Kaoru blinked and just stared at him slowly his cheeks started to heat up.

"What's wrong Kaoru?" his twin asked glancing beside him. Kaoru narrowed his eyes at him, "Kaoru?"

He snapped out of his gaze, "Huh? Oh it's nothing..." He answered with clear confusion plastered in his eyes. It wouldn't admit that he was checking if he had a red face as badly as he did.

"Well you better get ready soon, it's almost time for school!" Hikaru grinned grabbing his bag.

"What?!" the younger brother screeched he looked at the clock to see it was indeed almost time, "Oh Hikaru! We're definitely going to be late!"

Hikaru merely gave him a devious smile, "Then you better hurry!" With that he bolted out the room leaving Kaoru scrambling in the room trying to find his clothes.

"HIKARU!"

_**At School**_

"Oh relax!" snickered Hikaru. Kaoru huffed and crossed his arms, "Aw don't pout Kaoru it was just a joke!"

"I was forced to walk into school wearing a girl's uniform!" he whined causing his older twin to burst out laughing.

"And it was absolutely hilarious! And that moment when you realize that your uniform was in your bag all along! HAHAHA!" Hikaru laughed loudly putting a hand on his head.

Kaoru kept pouting and his stance as he watched him bawl with laughter. The end of his lips tugged slightly upward. He knew that he couldn't stay upset with him and apparently so did his twin since he swung an arm around his shoulder then looked at him with a wide smile.

Soon he was laughing alongside his brother while some people in their class gave them odd looks. They ignored them because they didn't care what they thought at least they were having fun. The door opened from the class room and appeared Haruhi.

"What's so funny?" she questioned the twins.

Kaoru looked at the girl who entered their world, his face fell a bit but it was so subtle no one even noticed. Not even Hikaru.

"Oh Haruhi! You really should've been here!" Hikaru laughed while patting Kaoru's back, "Kaoru here got a trip to girly lane!"

At that point Kaoru zoned out he knew it wouldn't be long until his brother would be taken away from him by Haruhi. He could walk away right now and no one would notice. It was as if the moment she came he turned invisible. He would bet that he could be killed in the same room as the both of them and his brother won't notice until Haruhi left. Maybe he was just overreacting but sometimes it just felt like that.

Kaoru walked to his desk still hearing his brother laughing alongside with his crush. It pained him seeing that he could still have fun without him. Yeah there was always the club but lately it seemed that he spent more time with Haruhi than him. When he stand there alone it felt like half of him was gone.

He knows he shouldn't but he still did; he glanced at his brother and the thief. He quickly erased the thought from his mind Haruhi wasn't a thief but deep inside of him he couldn't help but feel anger towards her. So he decided to call her the, 'Unintentional Thief'.

The bell rang signaling that class has started. The younger twin let out a deep sigh knowing that it was a long day of loneliness ahead of him.

**_At The Club_**

Kaoru walked towards the music room by himself which was a very rare scene. He grabbed the door handle, his hand tighten and he tugged it backwards. He walked in with his right hand stuffed his pocket while his other hand held on the strap of his bag that rested on his shoulder.

"Sorry I'm late," he apologized kicking his shoe on the ground making it feel more comfortable for his foot. He felt a soft breeze hit him he looked up to see his friends on the red love couch.

"Welcome back princess," greeted the entire club in unison.

Silence filled the room as everyone took in what had just happened. Kaoru stared at them with wide eyes he felt his lips tugged upward no matter how hard he desperately tried to keep the smile contained. He held back his laughter but was failing miserably. In a weak attempt he put a hand over his mouth but it was no use once he saw everyone's expressions after realizing what they had just said to him.

Kaoru burstered out laughing, tears were streaming down his face and he clutched onto his stomach.

"I-I can't...b-bre-breath!" he choked out.

"That wasn't meant for you Kaoru!" Tamaki shouted at him embarrassed that he said those lines to his "son".

"Kaoru w-we thought you were a cu-customer!" stuttered Haruhi trying to save herself embarrassment by bringing out the reason.

"Kaoru where were you?" Honey asked clutching onto his bunny; Usa-chan. Mori put a hand on top of the smaller boy's head while giving Kaoru a soft glare.

"You're late," stated Kyoya adjusting his glasses, ignoring Tamaki who was trying to get him to tell Kaoru to stop being mean.

"Hahaha! I-I'm s-sorry!" Kaoru apologized between chuckles, "I had to d-d-do something at t-the l-library!"

"Whatever just get ready for the customers!" Kyoya stated jotting a few more things down in his notepad. Kaoru merely nodded trying to stop himself from laughing again and walked further in. He saw Hikaru from a distance in the shadows. Kaoru ran up towards him happily, he wanted to spend as much time with him as possible before Haruhi came. When he got closer he could see that his hair was covering his eyes and he had clutched fists.

"Hikaru are you alright?" the younger twin asked worrisome.

"N-No," he choked out, "I can't hold back my feelings anymore!" Kaoru stared at him confused by his words but it made his heart race.

"What feelings?" he asked hesitantly not sure if he wanted the answer

"I love you!" Hikaru confessed with a bright blush plastered on his face, "I love you more than just a friend!"

Kaoru frozen in place, his heart started to pick up the pace and his face heated up.

"Will you go out with me?"

Kaoru's cheeks ignited and his heart felt like it was going to jump out. Did his twin brother just ask him to be his boyfriend?!

**Hello, I'm fairly new to this fandom so forgive me I did horrible or made them OOC. And just bear with me throughout the fanfiction but I'm telling you this right now...I am VERY late when it comes to updating. I know shot me but don't pull the trigger just yet. You just gotta hang on.**

**And I know that there is a _lot_ of fanfiction about this scenario but I couldn't help myself. It was calling my name, mostly because I have been in a similar situation so I think I can grasp the pain. And be prepared because there is LOTS of heartache. Sorry Kaoru for what I'm making you go through. **


	2. Chapter 2

Hikaru opened one eye and looked up at Kaoru. He stood up straight up waiting for his answer patiently but kept his gaze low with the fine blush still invading his face.

Kaoru stared at him blankly trying to comprehend what had just heard. He got plenty of love confessions but this was a first. A blush rose to his cheeks making his face feel hot.

"H-Hikaru..." he whispered. His name was the only thing he could make out to say he parted his lips making out words to describe his feelings at the moment, "I-I don't know what to say..."

Hikaru stride towards him and cupped his cheeks feeling the warmth gather in his hands. The younger twin shivered in his touch, his hands were so cold it made his cheeks tingle.

"It's okay if you don't feel the same way...I just needed to tell you that it was killing me inside not telling you," he whispered, his face dropping a bit. His hands fell to his side and he turned away, "If you like I can leave..."

"N-No I..." Hikaru glanced back to see Kaoru looking down shyly with a blush going a deeper shade of red, "actually...I feel the same way..." he whispered.

Hikaru turned to his younger brother with hope filling his eyes, "R-Really?" he choked. Kaoru gulped then nodded hesitantly feeling his blush go into a darker shade. He felt someone holding his face and forcing him to look up at him.

"I love you..." whispered Hikaru pulling his younger twin's lips towards his, Kaoru closed his eyes preparing himself, "...then we kiss," the older twin smirked.

They stayed in the pose in silence, "...Eh?"

Hikaru pulled back his little brother in arms length and looked at him with a cocky smile, "Then we kiss!" he repeated happily. Kaoru stared at him confused as his twin lets go of his shoulders.

"Thanks Kaoru but do you really think it would go that smoothly?" he older twin pondered tapping his chin to express that he was in deep thought, "I mean this is Haruhi we're talking about! I don't think she would understand considering how dense she is,"

That's when he figured it out. Hikaru was using him for practice. Practice for what excatly? To confess his love for Haruhi and he was using _him_ to be the dummy. To be the pretend Haruhi!

Kaoru's heart sunk he couldn't believe he was lead on and used without realizing. He didn't even know why he said he felt the same way! They were just brothers! That's disgusting! He didn't have some sort of brother complex! That's just gross! ...Or was that just the side of his brain trying to convince him that he didn't feel that way...? Did he feel that way...? Was that why he said those things...?

He felt someone place a firm hand on his shoulder. It scared him out of his thoughts and realized that it was Hikaru. His brother was still smiling and honestly...he looked like a ninny. He didn't glance at his younger twin but kept his eyes forward despite the cheery look in his eyes it was also mixed with determination.

"Well brother looks like the doors are being opened!" Hikaru announced, he unconsciously reached for Kaoru's hand and intertwined his fingers with his which caused the other twin to have his heart leap out of his chest, "Let's go! They're waiting!"

He tugged his hand lightly then pulled him towards the door to greet the customers. A small blush worked it's way up to Kaoru's cheeks. It wasn't the first time they held hands but it was the first time he felt his heart ache and felt a tingling sensation throughout his left arm his brother was tugging. He must be sick or something because this has never happened to him before. Besides Hikaru is going to leave with Haruhi anyways so maybe the feeling would go away...right?

**WRONG!**

In fact it only got worse from there. Once Hikaru did leave his heart only started to ache even more when he saw him with Haruhi. Which truthfully has happened once or twice but he thought nothing of it. He genuinely thought he was just hungry or just sick this time he wasn't too sure.

With every glance he took at the pair his heart strings would tug harder, when he looked away his heart felt like it was stabbed because he didn't know what they were doing even knowing those two together made his heart rip a bit. He was confused on his feelings and decided that he would try to figure them out on his own until then he won't let anyone see through him. Yet before he made the decision someone already noticed.

"Kaoru, are you feeling alright?" one of the female customers asked.

He snapped out of his thoughts and looked at the ladies who stared back at him with worried expressions, "Uh y-yeah I'm fine!" he smiled at them.

"Are you sure?" one of them pushed further.

"I'm positive," he reassured, "Now let's not worry about me, princesses. How about we drink some tea?" he grabbed the teapot and poured the ladies the hot drink. He poured himself a cup but ended up spilling it on his finger when he placed the teapot down, "Tch," He winced at the pain and clutched onto his burnt finger.

"Kaoru are you alright?!" his customers exclaimed.

"Y-Yes princess no need to worry!" he gave them a weak smile still clutching tightly to his finger.

Some of the ladies looked around the room for his brother, confused on why Hikaru wasn't there to protect Kaoru or at least help him make the pain go away.

"Where's Hikaru?" one of them innocently asked.

Kaoru stared at the girl his heart skipped a beat of the sound of his name, his face fell but held a sad smile, "He's here...just not with me...and I'm okay with that.." He whispered modestly.

"No it's not! Wha-What about the Brotherly Love?!" one exclaimed her grip tightening on her tissue just in case tears dropped.

"It's okay...besides I'm starting to get used to him not being at my side often," he explained looking up at them giving a much stronger smile. His eyes shut for more effect that he was completely fine with everything. He heard sniffles and people blowing their noses around him.

"Kaoru...are you...sad?"

His eyes flew open, he stared at the one who asked the question. He blinked. His lips parted a bit in shock. He thought of the question over and over again then he thought of his answer.

He smiled sweetly at them, "Don't be silly, princesses..." he whispered, "...his happiness is mine..."

Sobs grew louder around him, he gave himself a pat on the back knowing that he helped the club gain more money. He was sure that Kyoya would praise him and give him some sort of reward although he highly doubt it, it was a nice thought though. Yet a part of him knew that this wasn't an act but the rest of him convinced himself that it was.

**_After School_**

"Nice work Kaoru!" Kyoya walked up behind Kaoru as he was gathering his things, "_The Lonesome Twin_ act was brilliant! Keep that up and we might get enough money to have another visit to the beach!"

Kaoru looked up to see Kyoya jotting notes down in his notebook happily, "We are having more demands for the act! Keep up the good work!" With that he walked away.

Kaoru smiled to himself pleased with the praise his was given. Which was short lived when he noticed that his twin was no where to be spotted. He curiously glanced around the Music Room, in the corner of his eye he could see Hikaru through the window. He walked towards it, undid the latches that held it closed and pushed it open. Before he could shout at him for leaving him behind he noticed another figure.

Haruhi. He's seen this scene many times in mangas before if he remembered correctly this scene usually meant that someone was confessing to someone. His eyes widen remembering that Hikaru used him as practice...could it be...that he was confessing to her right now?!

He couldn't make out the words but he knew what was going down. His heart raced and a part of him hoped he got rejected. He mentally slapped himself then reminded himself that he should support his brother at any costs. He watched the pair for a bit until he saw Hikaru run up to her and give her a hug then...then...he rubbed his eyes making sure he wasn't seeing anything.

Did...did they just kiss?!

Hikaru pulled away first and the two laughed the he pulled out his phone. Shortly Kaoru received a text message from his twin.

"_Kaoru why don't you go home by yourself today?_" it read, he knew why too but he still asked_._

"_Why?_" he pressed sent_. _Surprisingly he got a reply quickly.

"_I'll explain when I get home but right now just have a safe ride home!_" And that was it.

Kaoru slumped down the wall staring at the words on the screen. At that moment he wished he didn't know how to read. He peeked behind him to see Hikaru and Haruhi holding hands and walking out of the campus. His lungs were tight then he realized he wasn't breathing. He took in a deep breath and let it out, it didn't help. In fact it only got worse.

He put a hand over his heart, he started to hyperventilate. Hikaru has never shown that much affection to anyone before. He was getting even more afraid by the second. He wasn't ready for this! He wasn't prepared! He just got a sickness, played by (even if his brother didn't realize what effect it had on him) and as if he wasn't already losing him already the pace just picked up even faster! He didn't want it to happen just yet! It was getting too close! Too close to the end! He tightly held his hair in a panic with both of his hands letting his phone fall to the ground cracking the screen.

Damn it Haruhi! Stop ruining his life! It sounds pathetic that someone loving his brother and his brother loving back is ruining _his_ life but, Hikaru was all he had and someone taking him away suddenly was just an impossible thought.

Yet here he was. In their world Hikaru slowly walking away with the girl who entered and destroying the world. Hikaru doing nothing to stop it thinking it was fine and not seeing his brother also being destroyed in the rubbish. Getting slowly buried in the debris, his soundless screams reached no one but to him it sounded as if he was drowning a war zone with his cries.

There he was, sitting in the music room watching his life shatter before his eyes. And there was nothing he could do to prevent it. Prevent anything in that matter. Everything was slipping right out of his grasp. So he did the only thing he could do, he watched his misfortune play out. Who knew life would be so wretched?


	3. Chapter 3

Kaoru didn't ride the limo home that day. Instead he walked home he couldn't bare sitting in the same seat he and Hikaru shared throughout the years. Memories would've flooded back teasing him about how he and Hikaru's relationship would never be the same again.

Staring at the ground seeing the tiny sparkle in the dull pavement. He wanted to be like them. Dull but found a sparkle to be joyful about. Now this was just sad, now he wanted to be a like a rock. He sighed then glanced up seeing his mansion in front him. The memories hit him without warning, which he did not appreciate.

When he walked into his home every step he took was a reminder to him that Hikaru was departing from their own world they created together. He felt a sharp stab in his heart when he entered their room. Flopping down on top of the bed didn't help. He was only tackled with the scent of Hikaru. Kaoru jumped back and landed on his bum from shock. He gripped the left side of his chest he could feel his heart being stabbed multiple times.

He rushed to the shower trying to get rid of the smell even if he was satisfied with the comfort of Hikaru there; it pained his heart too much. Once he finished he changed out of his clothes with the lingering smell of his brother. He demanded the maids to wash all of his clothes again it too had the scent. Once he put new clothes on he felt like he just literally washed away a part of him. He sat on his side of the bed trying to keep out Hikaru.

Kaoru lowered his eyes, he didn't like the wretchedness his heart was putting him through. What did he do to deserve this? Was it being born? He couldn't help that, he didn't ask to be born be, but he didn't want to slip down the path of nothingness and depression. He knew he could do better but with every breathing second he couldn't help but think what it would've been like if he never lived.

Would it have better if he just wasn't born? The pain wouldn't be there that's for sure. He tried to rid these foul thoughts that were forming in his head. He tried to persuade himself that life would have been worse...or would it...? Since he and Hikaru are twins was it his fault...that they shut everyone out at a young age. If he wasn't there would his twin would've been more open and more happy? He brought his legs up to his chest he rested his arms on his knees allowing his head to rest upon his arms using it like cushion.

He asked himself these questions he didn't want answers to. His eyes started to sting with tears, he shut them closed hoping it wouldn't rain down. To help ease his thoughts he switched the TV on. He kept switching channels until he found one he was satisfied with then allowed the remote slip out his hands. He wasn't very into the show but it was better than moping around.

**_Later That Day_**

The door slammed closed followed by a happy sigh. Kaoru opened his eyes he must've dozed off at some point he sat up straight and softly yawned.

"Kaoru you're awake brilliant!" his brother beamed. He gave him a confused look wondering why he was so cheerful, then he remembered what had happened earlier, "Haruhi and I just had the best time!" he sighed flopping down on the bed.

He turned on his back revealing a smile and a small blush from the last events, "We went to the commoner's shop and ate commoner food! We even shared some which meant indirect kisses!" he started to ramble on about how wonderful time he spent with her.

"Oh sorry Kaoru you must be confused! I didn't explain yet!" Hikaru suddenly exclaimed, he looked towards the younger twin for the first time since he spoke, "I confessed to Haruhi and she felt the same way. So we're officially dating and it's all thanks to you little brother,"

Kaoru gaped at his brother not sure how to respond. Just a few hours ago his life was falling apart and it wasn't due to the the girl, but he was to blame for the world crashing down on him. That didn't help his case if anything now he defiantly had no trouble going down the path of darkness.

"Kaoru?"

"Huh?" He didn't even acknowledge that Hikaru had been staring at him waiting for his reaction, "Oh-! I'm so happy for you! I can't even find the words to express my happiness," he lied and topping it off with a fake smile.

His twin beamed at him, "You're the best little brother anyone could ask for! Just don't start planning the wedding yet!" He winked at him causing the younger twin's face glow a soft red. Hikaru sat up on the bed, Kaoru half expected to receive a hug from him but instead he picked up the phone and called his girlfriend.

Ugh, girlfriend that word made him sick though to his brother it probably meant it like a dream. He stared at his brother seeing how delighted he was just talking to her. When was the last time he made him that cheerful? He lowered his gaze he bet not in a long time. He slipped back under his covers wanting a meteor to crash down already. The broken boy closed his eyes hoping that the agony would just leave him alone. He wanted to be jumping for joy for his brother but everything kept he him from doing so.

What was going on with him? Hopefully it was just a passing phase until then he had to hide the newly discovered feelings. He shut his eyes tighter soon slipping into a nightmare filled sleep.

"Kaoru!" Hikaru shouted shaking him back awake.

"What is it?" he mumbled not looking at him.

"Its time to eat! Let's go! The maids just came up to tell us but you were asleep now come on!" he explained grabbing his in attempt to pull him out of bed.

Kaoru roughly pulled his hand back causing his brother to stumble backward, "I'll skip and I'm tired, so leave me be,"

Hikaru stared at him shocked not once has his brother ever done that to him or reacted in a such a manner. He wasn't familiar with the atmosphere and not sure how to approach it. Should he asked directly or leave it be until everything calmed down?

"It's your favorite," he pointed out hoping that it would get him up. If anyone asked him he would deny it but he was a bit afraid of the new feeling in the air and he wanted to rid it. Quickly. He reached for Kaoru's hand.

"I said, leave me be," he younger brother snapped and yanked his hand away. He glared at his older brother. Hikaru pulled back immediately staring at him confused and worried.

"Well...alright..." he gave in walking out the room reluctantly.

Kaoru knew what he had to do. It might not be the best answer but it was sure better than the other dark thoughts that clouded his mind. He'll just have to push him away to save the tormenting. If he just kept push and forcing Hikaru away his heart will probably heal again.

He still didn't know what the cause of misery was, but he _did_ know that he never experienced it before. He clutched on the blanket and he gritted his teeth he had a sick blue feeling that he it would come back to haunt him and it would be a more painful route. He sat up the bed, and that would mean they would have to do things separately.

Hikaru didn't know what his problem was. His twin was acting more strangely than anything he ever encountered. He twirled the fork in the spaghetti resting his hand on his left cheek. He was genuinely worried about him but he couldn't say anything. He made him so happy about telling him that he's dating Haruhi; he can't spoil his mood now.

He finished up his meal and went to his staircase after thanking for the food. Once he reached the top he already came to a decision. He was going to try to ease Kaoru on telling him what's the matter. Lately it was getting harder and harder to read his little brother which made him feel a bit scared though he will never admit it.

He opened the door, "Hey Kaoru, do you want to watch a movie...?" he trailed off realizing that his brother was no where to be seen. Instead of going to immediate panic which was his preferred option he stayed calm and prayed that he was just hiding under the covers. Unsurprisingly, Kaoru wasn't there. He checked the restroom to see no one. He looked everywhere in the room even in the cabinet. No one.

Before he could freak out he heard rummaging in the room next to him. He raced to the room to see Kaoru in there setting it up to his liking. Truthfully, this was Kaoru's room but he never used it since they always slept in the same bed.

"Kaoru what are you doing?" he questioned while slowly tip toeing past the clothes that had already invaded the once clean floor.

"Moving into my room!" his twin beamed at him. He blinked not understanding the words he had just spoke. Kaoru twirled around happily letting his arms spread wide, "What do you think?" he asked before stopping with his hands on his hips with a wide smile.

Hikaru couldn't make out any words or why would he want to do this. Was this why he seemed upset? Could this really be the reason? Before he could answer his question, Kaoru continued.

"After lots of thinking I'm pretty sure it was time for me to move in my room for the first time!" he explained caressing his chin with his index finger and thumb, "Besides," he lowered his hands and narrowed his eyes then harshly spat, "**Haruhi** would think it's werid wouldn't she? You know since she is your **girlfriend**,"

Hikaru stared at his brother shocked by his sudden harsh tone just a second ago it was like he was blooming flowers out of his head then a thunderstorm just appeared. He pondered on the thought of him and Kaoru sleeping together they've done it all their lives. Do these kinds of things change when you're in a relationship?

"It's just sleeping, it's not like we're actually _doing_ anything," He pointed out acting desperately to keep his younger brother with him.

"I wish we were," Kaoru muttered then almost at once he clapped a hand over his mouth surprised by his own words. He silently prayed that Hikaru didn't hear anything, oh but he did. Thankfully the older twin saw how embarrassed he was becoming and spared him even further embarrassment. He probably didn't mean to say it, so why make a big deal of it?

The red faced twin straightened himself (oh the irony) and grabbed his right arm with his left hand, "T-True but...in relationships you have to restrict some sorts of actions...and stuff..." he ended weakly no longer looking at Hikaru in the eye too hurt on the thought of losing more contact with his brother, "We can't do the things we usually do. Not like we did it as often, but it means no holding hands, no doing the Brotherly Love, no kissing each other's cheeks, no cuddling, no sleeping in the same bed and a bunch of more stuff. If you did those types of things with me all the time, it only loses meaning when you act the same way towards Haruhi,"

Hikaru lowered his eyes feeling defeated, "I...I guess your right," he hesitantly agreed, the room started to fill with tense silence, it was unbearable for both of them, "S-See ya..."

"See ya..." His twin whispered still staring at the ground. He heard footsteps then a door close, he loathly looked up to see the door...his door closed. He felt a lump in his throat grow bigger his knees grew weak and he sat on his bed. He gripped onto the covers until falling backwards onto the bed. He let the cold invade, he shivered. Well he got rid of the scent of Hikaru alright.


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't want to sound mean but your tears encourage me. **

**P.S. There is swearing in this chapter.**

**ITALICS = KAORU THINKING**

Kaoru rolled in his bed trying to find a comfortable spot to sleep in his bed. The word sounded to foreign to him, that he had to say it out loud a few times before it started to feel okay on his tongue (although it never truly felt comfortable).

He tried different positions on the bed, even on the head board but to no avail, he couldn't sleep without Hikaru. He glanced at the digital clock it read: 12:00. Great, it was midnight and he hasn't even shut his eyes once without nightmares springing to mind. He was tired-no scratch that, he was absolutely _EXHAUSTED_ but his body refused to sleep.

_What do you want from me?! _Kaoru thought slightly agitated.

"Go to the restroom," He nearly jumped out of his skin, he wasn't expecting a reply. He darted his eyes around the room trying to spot the owner of the voice, he saw a dark figure. No it wasn't Hikaru, it sounded nothing like him. It wasn't anyone he recognized. The black figure glowed red menacing eyes and with a crazed smile. Kaoru remained in his bed staring at it, he silently prayed that if he didn't move it would go away. Since he was, truthfully, scared out of his mind.

Luckily, for him it did disappear. He let out a sigh of relief and closed his eyes once more feeling his heart going back to normal pace.

"Go to the restroom," it repeated into his ear. He gasped at whipped his head around to see that the figure had teleported right beside him. He had to restrain a scream that was trying to escape his lips.

His face drained, he scooted away from the figure in fear, unfortunately it only to stretched its hand out to grab him. He scooted away only to fall off the bed, he quickly gained his footing, fearful if he didn't the demons under his bed would reach out and grab his ankle to pull him down to hell. Just in case he took a few steps back.

"Go to the restroom," it repeated, Kaoru obeyed his orders afraid of the consequences if he didn't. He opened the restroom door and unconsciously flipped the lights on. He was expecting to see the window that never shuts only to be let down.

"Close the door," it commanded. He did what he was told, he kept obeying the orders but grew more anxious, "Open the cabinet," Kaoru opened the nearest one.

"Grab the razor," Kaoru looked at the figure unsure what he wanted him to do and loathly picked up the cold metal. He unconsciously closed the cabinet door and rubbed the metal between his fingers.

"Now do whatever you feel is right," Kaoru tightly gripped the cold metal. He had an unexplainable urge to drag the cold metal across his wrist. He looked at the metal in his palm, he felt like something had just awoken within him. He pressed the sharp edge to his wrist, pressing deeper then threw the razor at the wall.

"No!" he shouted to himself, shocked by his own actions. He stumbled backwards as if the razor had the plague. In a way, it kinda did.

He reached the other end of the restroom and put a hand on the cold wall. His right hand was over his heart, he was panting heavily. He desperately tried to calm himself down and regain composure, but it was like every breath he toke made him more anxious. He was bewildered by his actions, he couldn't be _that_ depressed!

The last thing he needed was to seem like a fucking attention seeker!

"Are you afraid?" it whispered hauntingly in his ear, Kaoru gulped but didn't reply, "You can make your fears go away with simple slits in your skin. You can make all of your pain go away,"

"I-I don't need it!" Kaoru shouted, trying to convince himself more than anything.

"Oh but you do, in your miserable life you need some relief," it reassuered and pointed at the metal, "just cut you wrist nice and deep. The pain will leave,"

Kaoru swallowed at stared at the piece of metal, "...N-No! I won't do it!" He covered his ears in attempt to block out the voice, "I'm stronger than that!" Kaoru slid down the wall as the figure moved in closer. He pulled his knees close to his chest, shaking in fear.

"Of course you are," it whispered disappearing into the shadows, "This doesn't mean it's the end though...just remember, the razor,"

The frighten teenager sat on the cold restroom floor, petrified with his hands clamped over his ears, he never felt so...vulnerable.

He could feel as if a new person was springing inside him asking for the 'relief'. He ignored it and tried his best to calm himself down. He heard voices clouding his head and felt the room grow stuffy. He started to breath in a fast fashion, in a panic he scrambled to his feet and raced to the door. Until he realised that this restroom wasn't perfection as well. The door locked from the outside which meant it anyone could lock him in or walk in on him when he was doing something. Which most likes might lead to embarrassing scenarios.

Kaoru twisted the knob and pulled back but to no avail. He continued now using both of his hands, he yanked on the doorknob pulling on it with all his might. Knowing there was no use he looked around for a bobby pin. He searched in the cabinets until he stumbled upon the black metal. He stretched it open and turned then started to picklock the keyhole. Once he heard the soft click, he felt an odd sense of safety.

He twisted the knob open and peeked at his bedroom expecting (or wishing, is the word that best suited it) to see Hikaru sleeping soundlessly in the bed only to be dissappointed with the scene in front of him. He crawled under the covers facing the empty spot beside him. This bed was too big for one. Tears started to sting behind his eyes, he blinked them away. He really missed his brother.

He reached for the pillow and pulled it close to his chest. He breathed into it, clutching it tighter. He felt the tears trying to peek out of his eyes but he was having none of it.

_Sheesh no wonder Hikaru chooses Haruhi over me_, Kaoru bitterly thought before slipping off into a dreamless sleep.

**_Next Day at School_**

Kaoru's head ached like a bitch, _it was from all the crying I bet_. He sighed deeply while twirling his pen in his fingers, he and Hikaru haven't spoke yet. Perhaps it was because he decided to get up early and walk to school. He still couldn't help but feel like he was forgetting something, no it wasn't his brother although him being here would be preferable.

He leaned against the window seal staring outside into the gray skies. He suddenly wished he brought his umbrella.

"Wow you're here early, Kaoru!"

Kaoru looked up to see his cross dressing friend; Haruhi. He smiled at her, "Shocked?"

"A little bit," she replied with a bright smile then stopped and glanced around the classroom, "Where's Hikaru? I thought you two came to school together?"

"We do but I woke up earlier than usual and decided to leave," he explained feeling a tinge of annoyance that she constantly needed to know where he was. He cleared his throat softly so his annoyance won't show in his voice.

"So I heard you two are dating," he casually brought up.

She snapped her head towards him a bright blush dusted her soft cheeks, she looked away shyly with a small smile, "...Yeah...he told you, I presume,"

"No the troll told me," he sarcastically replied with a smirk. No matter how much he hated how she took him away, he couldn't truly hate _**her**_. She was after all the first person that could tell them apart and saw them as individuals. Which was probably the main reason why he wanted to hate her.

"So he did tell you huh?" she joked pulling her chair out and happily sitting down after hearing Kaoru burst out laughing.

After he calmed down he wandered back to his pervious thoughts, what was he forgetting?! It was seriously starting to get to him.

"Are you okay?" Haruhi asked still smiling after her success joke.

"Yeah but I just feel like I forgot something..." He muttered drumming his fingers on the window seal he was currently leaning on. He felt the metal, it was cold like the razor back home. He shivered remembering that something tried to force him into cutting. He pulled his hand up and started to scratch his wrist and rested his head on the glass and slowly started to slip into a deep thoughts.

The classroom door slammed open making a few people jump and stare at that direction. On the other side was a seething Hikaru, who had his eyes fixed on his twin. He harshly glared at him for a good few seconds before marching to his reflection.

The younger twin turned his head to see Hikaru's face. He was taken back when he saw how twisted and furious he looked. He felt his heart jump to his throat and his stomach churn a few times; wondering what he done wrong.

"Why hello brother" Kaoru greeted in a monotone voice, "Glad to see you came to school today,"

"Kaoru!" He started immediately dismissing his younger brother's greetings, "Where were the hell you?! Do you know how worried I was?!" his brother hissed quietly so their peers wouldn't eavesdrop.

"I left a note," he replied, getting slightly annoyed.

"No you didn't!" Hikaru snapped, crossing his arms firmly and leaned towards his brother.

"Yes I di-...oh!" Kaoru was struck with realisation, _that's_ what he had forgotten, "...Whoops...?" he shrugged looking at his older brother apologetically.

"Yeah **whoops**!" he hissed harshly.

Kaoru rolled his eyes _Why do you care anyways _he thought bitterly.

"What do you mean why do I care?! You're my brother, that's why!" Hikaru practically shouted.

_Shit, I did I say that out loud?! _

Hikaru cleared his throat then took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. The last thing they needed was to make a scene.

"I'm just trying to say, that I'm a bit worried about you little brother," Hikaru whispered, ignoring the stares burning into his back. He opened his mouth to continue but Kaoru interrupted him.

"Well stop," Karou jeered, making his reflection's eyes widen. Hikaru was new to Kaoru's harshness...towards him anyways.

The bell rung and people started to go to their seats. The twins however remained standing and giving each other hard glares.

The teacher walked, "Boys sit down were about to begin," Hikaru and Kaoru remained standing before sitting down in their seats. The air started to tense around the duo, everyone decided to ignore that a war might break out between them.

_Hikaru! Fucking Hikaru! _Kaoru thought, _Why does he have to do that?! Always being worried about me just because I made a few things different_!

_Any **normal**_ _brother wouldn't give a fuck! But **NOOO** this piece a shit had to! _Kaoru gripped tightly to his pencil _Why did he have to?! He has Haruhi for christ sake, so I don't know why he's so worked up over me! I mean-it's just me! _

Kaoru froze when he felt tears prick behind his eyes. He blinked a couple times, why was he crying?

He growled quietly to himself, this confused him too much. He felt his chest clench tightly and the ability to breath became difficult. He cleared his throat softly and raised his hand.

"May I use the restroom?" he asked in a monotone voice, the teacher waved him off and quickly returned to the lesson. Kaoru stood up and walked out of the room ignoring the eyes from his peers.

Once he closed the classroom door it felt like the world collapsed within him. He put a hand over his heart and clutched tightly to his shirt. It hurt so bad! Why did it hurt?! Tears stung behind his eyes, he clenched his teeth and stormed to the restroom.

He tore open the door and checked to see if anyone was in. Luckily, for him no one was here. Kaoru chewed the bottom of his lip and his frantically ran his hand through his hair. He felt like the world was spinning, tears were about to spill and he had no idea why.

He rushed to the sink and threw water at his face, he reached for a towel and started to dab his face. Thoughts swirled his mind, _What's happening to him?! What's wrong with me?! This isn't normal_!

He looked up at the mirror to see a dark figure hovering next to him. His eyes widen in fear, his face paled in horror. It was the same ghost thing from the night before. **It** grinned with his red piercing eyes shoot through him. A cold sweat started to form at the rim of Kaoru's forhead.**  
**

"Poor, poor Kaoru..." **it** whispered. Kaoru felt chills shoot through his spine, it's voice sounded like his twin's.

"You really think I care? You've got to be joking," the voice spat then laughing harshly. Kaoru felt his heart drop.

"How many times have you almost cried now? Five to five thousand? I don't remember, I lost count," he laughed, "Man, you're such a crybaby! Honestly! You can't even handle a night alone?"

Kaoru gripped onto the sink and dropped his head.

"Oh well, weaklings will be weaklings I suppose!" he harshly laughed.

A tingling feeling sprouted onto Kaoru's left wrist. His eyes darted to his wrist, he stared at it for a moment. An unexplainable urge feel the cold metal over his skin, to feel the metal drag and pull the skin away. To see color on his pale wrist.

Kaoru's heart sped up, _what the fuck is happening to me?! _He gripped onto his hair and yanked harshly at it. He bit the bottom of his lip to keep from crying out.

"You're a bitch," he quietly whispered to himself.

"Oh Kaoru...we're the same person..." **it** whispered hauntingly in his ear.

**Also sorry it took so long, I've written this chapter around 3 times and each time it was completely different. I'm not sure if I did this one justice, this is probably a huge let down. So, my bad.**


End file.
